Just as the Gentle Start-Up skill can be a highly effective communication skill to use with a partner, co-worker, etc, it can also be very helpful when used with a protector part to see and approach a situation with more Self-energy. The goal of this combo skill is to use a Gentle Start-Up as a way to help Unblend from a protector part.
Steps for the Gentle Start-Up/Unblending Skill:
Calm your Lizard Brain: Use the STOP skill from DBT, or any other skill that will help deactivate your fight/flight/freeze/fawn
responses. No amount of communication skills are going to help when your brain and body are in alert mode!
Example: Doing 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing.
Give Genuine Appreciation: Make sure the part feels appreciated! It’s been working hard to protect you in this way. It may not have all the information right now, but it’s doing the best with the information it’s been given.
Example: “Hey Avoidance, I appreciate you for caring enough to keep me away from scary situations. You have really saved my ass in the past, and I’m really thankful that you’re willing to risk it all to keep me safe!”
State Your Emotion(s) Using “I” Statements, and Describe the Situation: It’s time to drop into your heart here. Let your brain/logic take a break: how does this part make you feel when it takes over? Using emotion-based language helps open hearts to connection. Avoid statements like “I feel like…” or “I feel that…”; those are thinking statements! Then describe the situation as objectively as possible.
Example: “I feel frustrated when you [Avoidance] take over, because I’ve been really needing to have some fun and connect with my friends.
I’ve felt smothered by you when you’ve urged me to avoid going to cancel the Super Bowl plans for Sunday.
State Your Needs and Make a Bid: Since you’re combining this skill with IFS, the first need you should state would be to get some space from the protector part. Use positive terms here, and try to do so without another agenda. Thank it for any space it gives you!
Examples: “I would love a little bit of space to see this situation more clearly and compassionately, can you [Avoidance] help me out with that?” or “Can you take a few steps back for a minute so I can better understand your needs?” or “Would you be willing to give me some breathing room for a bit so I can listen to your perspective more clearly and calmly?” And then “Thank you for the space, I appreciate you!”
Listen and Have a Dialogue with the Part: Really listen to its feelings and perspectives. If you feel more Self-energy, it’s okay to ask it some further questions if it feels right: What is it trying to protect you from? Does it feel like it has no choice in the matter? Does doing its job make it tired? Would it be open to having you help it get some rest? Would it be willing to go into another room or place while you do the situation it’s afraid of? What’s it worried will happen if it doesn’t protect you in this way? Can it trust you to handle the situation? Etc.
The goal with any IFS or Gottman skill is not to persuade, convince, deceive, compel, or coerce another person or part into doing what you want them to do. The goal is to make sure that the other person or part feels seen, heard, and understood. Be willing to postpone your own agenda, especially if it means that you will build a stronger connection to the person or part. Your parts are doing the best they can to protect you with the information they have; and they don’t have all the information. The more you are in Self-energy as you communicate with your parts, the more they will eventually trust the broader information and clearer perspective you have. The goal is not to get rid of any of your parts, as they are what makes you, You! The goal is to help your parts build trust with your True Self enough to let you lead your whole system where it needs to be in any given moment.